aching Out…
July 1, 2010 by marilynngarzione
Today I am hobbling around with a cane and cast. It seems my enthusiasm for taking a picture was greater than my own caution, and I tripped down an embankment, fracturing the bones of my right foot.
When I look back on all the ‘mini crisis’ that have been a part of life, I see that in the past I seem to initially click into a ‘survival mode’—a focus on getting past the immediate pain. Now, that may seem like a good plan/technique, but it does bring out a fundamental weakness….a clear and unmistakable initial denial that then needs to be modified to match the severity of what faces me.
There I was, knowing I had to get back into the car (I was several miles from home) and drive, all the while on a right foot that was, by now, screaming a message of swollen weakness and pain. I heard myself say, “I can do this….I can do this….”
I shut myself off from the 100 decimal pain and pushed the gas pedal.
Once home I found that the only way I could move was to crawl on all fours. I can do this…I can do this! I literally crawled into the house, all the while trying to convince myself that this was merely a bad sprain, that nothing was broken, that if I just put some ice on it and elevate my foot, things would get back to normal. There was no thought of a doctor at this point. I was determined this was something I could handle.
A total lesson in reality…and humility. As I crawled on all fours across the living room rug I found that I had to hold my right foot up behind me so that I wouldn’t be subjected to the pain of dragging it against the carpet. It was at this point that I received a mental image of myself speaking at one of my conferences, microphone in hand, dressed in a suit, dignified, addressing an audience. If they could see me now! And I started to laugh—a laugh that began as a mere chuckle and then increased in direct proportion to the pain I was experiencing. The result: me collapsed on my living room rug, arms sprawled out, foot still held high….laughing. I could say “I can do this” a thousand times, but the reality was here.
I couldn’t do this. I needed help.
Alzheimer’s, too, had to bring its full force upon me to bring me to this realization. I think in the beginning I hid my needs from others, telling myself…I can do this. I could still run the house, take care of paperwork, cook meals, shop….all the while taking care of Pat every hour of the day. For awhile I could. But there came a time when I knew in my heart that no amount of determination could match the progressive power of this disease. I needed help.
But then I found a remarkable lesson; that as I reached out to others, I began to gain strength—the strength they offered to me. I was able to give myself moments of respite, of calm, of relief from the mundane chores they were offering to do. I accepted. And slowly, with the help of others, I realized that I was then in a far better position to care for Pat.
A true lesson in letting go.
Hugs,
Marilynn …… come visit me on my website! www.releasedtotheangels.com
Posted in Alzheimer's, Healthcaregivers, caregiver, sickness
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