Promise of Spring…
April 3, 2010 by marilynngarzione
I’m not very good at promises. Well, I’m good at keeping promises to others— their secrets, things I’ve promised to do. But when it comes to me, I find that sometimes I go back on what I promise for myself. New Years resolutions, a promise to lose weight, a promise to slow down—things I know are good for me, but somehow never quite happen.
When I was caring for Patrick, I would promise myself to treasure each moment, knowing that, once gone, I could never have it back. Many times I was able to do this, and experience the joy in living solely and completely in the now. And yet, despite my firm resolve to focus on the positive, inevitably the negative sometimes crept in. It was in those moments that I faced the double whamy of having failed to feel joy, while at the same time knowing that I had let myself down.
It was as if by promising, I had created a no-win situation. Alzheimer’s taught me strengths I never knew I had, but at the same time it also taught me that there were some kinds of strength I would never have.
Even now I keep promising myself that I will experience and enjoy life without Patrick. And while that is true, there are still moments of doubt, of sadness, of loss. And when that happens, I once again feel that I have let myself down. It’s as if a weak moment becomes a broken promise.
Today I took a moment and looked around. The dreariness and cold of winter are gone, and in its place is the clear promise of Spring. It’s a promise that doesn’t demand that I have strength, that I focus on the positive, that I do anything to experience it. It is simply here. And when I remember the good moments of the past, it was always like that. A simple awareness of what is, with no strings attached.
Today I planted some flowers. I smiled, knowing that there is no guarantee that they will bloom, but as I covered each little plant with moist earth, I felt the simple joy of this moment, of knowing that this tiny bundle carries the hope of a future blossom –and a promise that I will enjoy its beauty.
A promise I can keep.
Hugs,
Marilynn ……Come visit me on my website! www.releasedtotheangels.com
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