Jasmine Beltran's MySpace Blog | Prickly Heart And Watery Eyes I'm Ripe To Be Emotionalized~ I'm beyond thinking acts~

Jasmine Beltran's MySpace Blog | Prickly Heart And Watery Eyes I'm Ripe To Be Emotionalized~ I'm beyond thinking acts~

[19 Jun 2007 | Tuesday] 7:51 PM

Its Been A Year Since That Morning After Fathers Day.... Current mood: peaceful Category: Life Just Speechless…Was going through my old MSN E-mail Inbox Acct… remembered why I changed it in the first plz and made a new acct, at that time I wanted to start all over with my life, that same morning that my dear dad passed away, I was flooded with phone calls and some e-mails… but I only saved one that my cousin Marcos sent me I guess I felt like it was worth saving, and I'm glad I did… also my horoscope for that morning, that I also saved at that time… It's been a year since that morning, After Fathers Day and I can remember it as if it just happened… Fathers Day last year was the last one I spent with my dad on my side, the last day that I saw that smile, and those big bright eyes, that said everything that he could no longer say with his voice… I remember being on the side of his bed all through that night, and feeling so helpless, the loud sounds of the agony that my dad made, I could also feel the pain that he was in… I could no longer stand seeing and hearing his suffering that night, I just knew it was time to let him go, it was the hardest most heartbreaking thing to have to do… It was all up to me at that point and it seemed that everyone knew that… So I had the last conversation with my dad, I asked him to let go, I told him that I love him very much, but that it was the time for both of us to let go, I made him share that I was going to be okay, and that I would have no anger towards him, That night I saw myself angry at God, because he was not taking him… I screamed and begged him to take him so that he would not suffer… at some point I begged and screamed at my dad to just let go and not be afraid, and I know he was terrified of death because he had told me long ago so I knew he was scared, so I made share to reassure him that he was going to be happier and that he would no longer feel pain and where he was going I would be in the end… After all of that I still don't know why, I felt really tired and all of a sudden drowsy… well I assume I fell asleep because I woke up to my aunts screams, yelling my name calling me, when I heard that I already knew, I was told that I fell sleep for 5 min or less but I felt as if I was asleep for a while… So I believe that my dad did not want me to see him give his last breath… so he waited for me to be away… When I finally got to him and my aunt n mom, He was really wight but he looked so peaceful I closed his eyes and give him one last kiss, the room got really cold really quit, but I felt some type of peacefulness I felt happy, he was no longer suffering and at that time that's all that mattered… I did not really cry at all, I kept my mom clam, and tried to calm my aunt down because she was doing really bad and was getting peal… all at the same time I called everyone else and the morgue… I think the most shocking too me that morning was seeing my dads body put in a blue body bag on a stretcher and out of our home and that was when I realized that he was never going to come back home… So its been a year since that, This Fathers Day was the 1st with out him, but I went to visit his grave with close family, My dad made Fathers Day the last day that we could be together and be happy, so it was not a sad day he left me with a fathers day memory that will last every fathers day for the rest of my life the memory of that From: Marcos To: Jasmine Elisa Sub: Tio Olo Sent: Monday,19,2006 11:56 AM Hey cuz, my mom just called to share the news about mi tio. Although I could never really know what you've been through I know you've always kept your spirits up and your head straight thoughout out this whole phase of your life. With all the nonsense that comes with dealing with family issues and all the other bullshit, you've always seemed to have it together when it came down to it. Although this was not unexpected, it's still going to be tough to deal with it. To be honest with you it was very difficult for me to see him suffer the way he was. I have so many great memories of your father, "mi tio olo". He used to come pick me and my brothers up for weekend stays at your house with your brother (you were still a baby). He used to let us ride around on the dirtbikes up and down the street…his bbq's in the back yard were the shit….and he was one of the nicest, kindest people I new. I didn't want to bug you on your phone this soon, I figured you were going to get enough phone calls from people sharing their condolences with you and your mom and brother….so I thought I'd drop you this email to let you know that you/your mom/brother and dad are in my prayers (yes I pray every now and then)….and that if you need anything at all….(I know people say that shit all the time…but I mean it)…if you need anything please give me a call….I will make myself available to take care of anything you need. my bat phone is ….call me anytime….24/7. Dear Jasmine, Here is your horoscope for Monday, June 19: The stars give you the inner stability and the outward social grace to transition easily from an ill-fitting situation into a more appropriate one. Now, more than ever, you see how endings are just beginnings in disguise.